“As I sit here typing this up, I feel four beady eyes fixated on me. I’m afraid to make eye contact in case they want something. My teas going cold and it’s the fifth one I’ve made today, I’m determined to actually drink this one.”
Two January’s ago I heard the news that almost broke me. It opened up a whole new world that I never imagined that I would have to be a part of. I’d grown up relatively healthy and had never had a hospital stay in my 25 years of living. Yet suddenly I was thrown into the world of hospitals, self-administered injections, scans, blood tests and surgeries.
The past two years have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve faced trials, undergone immense pain and stress, shed tears and there have been times where I just want to give up.
In March 2017 I started my IVF treatment, and in June of that year I found out it was unsuccessful. Not sure what to do with myself, I took a massive leap and left my full-time job to work part-time at my local youth club and start my Access to university course.
It was the first time I wasn’t working full time since leaving school and going back to education at 25 was scary. After only two months of studying, I started my second round of IVF and in December of that year, I found out I was pregnant with two little miracles. It was exciting but also terrifying. The very thing I had craved for 4 years was about to become true, and I wasn’t even sure if I was ready.
2018 was a slog! Early January I was hit with 5 assignments, and baby brain had set in (times two). Juggling my pregnancy, work, and college was stress. There were moments where I wanted to drop out of college, telling myself that being pregnant with twins was a blessing in itself. Other days I wanted to leave work, convincing myself that my course was more important. How the hell was I going to make it all the way to July?
Although my pregnancy went relatively smoothly, mentally preparing to be responsible for two brand new human beings caused my anxiety levels to spike! I couldn’t sleep, eat and sometimes even breathe. To make matters worse (breathing wise) about 4 months in, Twin no1 had permanently lodged herself under my right rib, she was sitting pretty and had no intention of moving down!
I MADE IT
One year after my failed IVF round I was 32 weeks pregnant and graduating from my Access course with majority distinctions. A week later I had the best baby shower known to man, and a week after that I got ‘legally’ married (after being married Islamically for 4 years).
On July the 27th I checked myself into Homerton Hospital at 7am, was shown to my bed on the ward and was told that I was second in a line of three to have my elected caesarean section. My feet where the size of watermelons, face drenched with sweat due to our wonderful summer heatwave, and my heart racing at probably 266mph.
At 11:32AM Layla was born, and Safina followed just four minutes later. They were beautiful, perfect! These were, are and always will be the best moments of my life. hands down.
After all of the madness; I had finally birthed my twins, gotten legally married and completed the course i had been trying to do for five years!
Who would have thought that I would be sat here, in this position, with those beady eyes and four cups of cold tea dotted around the apartment. Who would have thought that through it all, I would receive my very own 2018 miracles.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you never know what miracle lies ahead of you. It just takes one simple decision to make your life fall into place. And the only ever true way of knowing what that is; is to just keep on going.
Happy new year!
lots’ of love